Oh, Taste and See…

For it is impossible for those who were once enlightened, and have tasted of the heavenly gift, and were made partakers of the Holy Ghost, And have tasted the good word of God, and the powers of the world to come, If they shall fall away, to renew them again unto repentance; seeing they crucify to themselves the Son of God afresh, and put him to an open shame. For the earth which drinketh in the rain that cometh oft upon it, and bringeth forth herbs meet for them by whom it is dressed, receiveth blessing from God: But that which beareth thorns and briers is rejected, and is nigh unto cursing; whose end is to be burned. But, beloved, we are persuaded better things of you, and things that accompany salvation, though we thus speak. For God is not unrighteous to forget your work and labour of love, which ye have shewed toward his name, in that ye have ministered to the saints, and do minister. And we desire that every one of you do shew the same diligence to the full assurance of hope unto the end: That ye be not slothful, but followers of them who through faith and patience inherit the promises. For when God made promise to Abraham, because he could swear by no greater, he sware by himself, Saying, Surely blessing I will bless thee, and multiplying I will multiply thee. And so, after he had patiently endured, he obtained the promise. For men verily swear by the greater: and an oath for confirmation is to them an end of all strife. Wherein God, willing more abundantly to shew unto the heirs of promise the immutability of his counsel, confirmed it by an oath: That by two immutable things, in which it was impossible for God to lie, we might have a strong consolation, who have fled for refuge to lay hold upon the hope set before us: Which hope we have as an anchor of the soul, both sure and stedfast, and which entereth into that within the veil; Whither the forerunner is for us entered, even Jesus, made an high priest for ever after the order of Melchisedec.
Hebrews 6:4‭-‬20 KJV

http://bible.com/1/heb.6.4-20.KJV

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What She Didn’t Do, Today. 

She didn’t give “legs” to the walking pain in her forehead.

She didn’t acknowledge the multiple times she lost the feeling in her left foot. 

She didn’t take time to cry the tears that threatened to breach the dam of her vocal chords. 

She didn’t hesitate to sway those hips, one of them bone-on-bone.

(click, click, click- not her shoe heels)

She didn’t even fall, when the pavement invited her to do so. 

She didn’t recognize she had been holding her breath, for fear of screaming. 

She didn’t care. 

She didn’t falter. 

She didn’t fail. 

She didn’t stop. 

Today

​It was at this hour, on this day, three years ago, that I made my way to Gilchrist Hospice. It was cold out. I was numb-for other reasons. I drove a slow, and steadied pace, my mind literally devoid of thought. Traffic lights,  street lamps, other cars, pedestrians… I saw nothing. Truly,  the Holy Spirit drove, as I only remember seeing my Niece in the parking lot, distraught, and saying to her, “Is she gone?”

I walked inside to family, to friends and stood, feeling as if I were made of air; that I would just take flight, at any moment. I hugged, and was hugged in return. Nothing. I lumbered down the hall, body sick, and heavy with the pain and swelling of Fibromyalgia, at its WORST. I wanted to run. I wanted to prove that I was right. She was sleeping. They’d made a mistake. 

I stood outside of the door for what seemed an eternity; waiting, wondering if I could go in, hoping that last hope.

Oh, the things I’ve asked God for in this lifetime. Clothes, houses ,money, better jobs,  a good man, friends, good grades, not to get beat up in elementary school (😀it’s okay to laugh), restoration of health-that my Mother would live forever, because I was simply not strong, or smart enough to be without her. For 45 years, eleven months, 364 days, 23 hours, and 42 minutes, she was MINE. Earthly, beautifully, wonderfully, lovingly MINE!

However,  before the hills in order stood, in the beginning,  before stars were placed in the Sky,  even now, she belonged to God first, and always. And so I went in. 
To say I miss my mother is hollow.  There are no words to describe the cold place in me never to be warm again. The sound of her laughter, and her smile that lit the space around her like a million suns, that look when you knew you were getting ready to get it. The softness of her hands- those hands that held my own, rubbed away my pains, anointed me (crown to sole), whipped my butt, fed me, touched my head to check for fever; hands that were put together in prayer for me. Never again will I touch those hands, I thought. 
God is amazing. You see, all those years, the enemy tried to take my Mother’s life. God Said,  “it’s not yours to take”.  I am eternally grateful. For her LIFE was rife with pain,  illness, troubles. SHE was FULL of the love of God, laughter, wisdom, grace, beauty, unending love for family,  friends,  and all who came into her presence, for whatever time they were there. A minute. A day. A month. Years.  A lifetime. It didn’t matter. She loved you. 

My heart is heavy, as I think of how God physically joined us on 10/29, and He physically separated us on 10/27. Might sound weird,  but to this day,  I wish he had taken her on 10/29, at 7:02 am. I was born at 7:01 am, and she had NEVER missed a birthday without us speaking at that moment. That’s just me, and my selfishness, not recognizing God’s omniscience. He probably knew I’d never, ever get over that. He knew when to bring her home. 

So, here I am, Prettyface-Mommiekins, reading the Word, asking God to show me, and of course, He did. Gave me a song, too. The Word is Ecclesiastes 3:
It was at this hour, on this day, three years ago, that I made my way to Gilchrist Hospice. It was cold out. I was numb-for other reasons. I drove a slow, and steadied pace, my mind literally devoid of thought. Traffic lights,  street lamps, other cars, pedestrians… I saw nothing. Truly,  the Holy Spirit drove, as I only remember seeing my Niece in the parking lot, distraught, and saying,  “Is she gone?”

I walked inside to family, to friends and stood, feeling as if I were made of air; that I would just take flight, at any moment. I hugged, and was hugged in return. Nothing. I lumbered down the hall, body sick and heavy  with the pain, and swelling of Fibromyalgia, at its WORST. I wanted to run. I wanted to prove that I was right. She was sleeping. They’d made a mistake. 

I stood outside of the door for what seemed an eternity; waiting, wondering if I could go in, hoping that last hope

Oh,  the things I’ve asked God for in this lifetime. Clothes,  money,  jobs,  friends, good grades, not to get best up in elementary school (😀it’s okay to laugh), restoration of health-that my Mother would live forever, because I was simply not strong, or smart enough to be without her. For 45 years, eleven months, 364 days, 23 hours, and 42 minutes, she was MINE. Earthly, beautifully, wonderfully, lovingly MINE!

Before the hills in order stood, in the beginning,  before stars were placed in the Sky,  even now she belonged to God. And so I went in. 
To say I miss my mother is hollow.  There are no words to describe the cold place in me  never to be warm again. The sound of her laughter, and her smile that lit light a million suns, that look when you knew you were getting ready to get it. The softness of her hands- those hands that held my own, rubbed away my pains, anointed me (crown to sole), whipped my butt, fed me, touched my head to check for fever; hands that were put together in prayer for me. Never again will touch this hands,  I thought. 

God is amazing. You see, all those years, the enemy tried to take my Mother’s life. God Said,  “it’s not yours to take”.  I am eternally grateful. For her LIFE was rife with pain,  illness, troubles. SHE was FULL of the love of God, laughter, wisdom, grace, beauty, unending love for family,  friends,  and all who came into her presence, for whatever time they were there. A minute. A day.  A month. Years.  A lifetime. It didn’t matter. She loved you. 

My heart is heavy, as I think of how God physically joined us on 10/29, and He physically separated us on 10/27. Might sound weird,  but to this day,  I wish he had taken her on 10/29, at 7:02 am. I was born at 7:01 am, and she had NEVER missed a birthday workout is speaking at that moment. That’s just me, and my selfishness, not recognizing God’s omniscience. He probably knew I’d never, ever get over that. 

So, here I am, Prettyface-Mommiekins, reading the Word, asking God to show me, and of course, He did. Gave me a song, too. The Word is from Ecclesiastes 3:
To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:  A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;  A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;  A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;  A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;  He hath made every thing beautiful in his time: also he hath set the world in their heart, so that no man can find out the work that God maketh from the beginning to the end.  I know that there is no good in them, but for a man to rejoice, and to do good in his life.  I know that, whatsoever God doeth, it shall be for ever: nothing can be put to it, nor any thing taken from it: and God doeth it, that men should fear before him.  I said in mine heart, God shall judge the righteous and the wicked: for there is a time there for every purpose and for every work.  I said in mine heart concerning the estate of the sons of men, that God might manifest them, and that they might see that they themselves are beasts.  For that which befalleth the sons of men befalleth beasts; even one thing befalleth them: as the one dieth, so dieth the other; yea, they have all one breath; so that a man hath no preeminence above a beast: for all is vanity.  All go unto one place; all are of the dust, and all turn to dust again.  Who knoweth the spirit of man that goeth upward, and the spirit of the beast that goeth downward to the earth?  Wherefore I perceive that there is nothing better, than that a man should rejoice in his own works; for that is his portion: for who shall bring him to see what shall be after him?

Ecclesiastes 3:1‭-‬2‭, ‬4‭-‬5‭, ‬7‭, ‬11‭-‬12‭, ‬14‭, ‬17‭-‬22 KJV

I thought the song was “Turn, Turn, Turn”, by The Byrds. Then I remembered your favorite song you talked about all our lives. I remember late one night, 2012, going on YouTube just to see, and I found it. I called and you were sorta sleep, but as usual got right up.  I said nothing,  just started playing the song on speaker. The gasp,  the shriek, the joy, your tears. Worth more to me than platinum. We’re such kindred spirits🎶

So, today, I honor your memory with Roy Hamilton’s “You’ll Never Walk Alone”. I know I never will. I love you to infinity. See you in my dreams, Prettyface-Mommiekins😢.

Random Musings 10/26/2016

​Random Musings, cuz I’m still awake after my Royal Farms at 330am run (DON’T JUDGE ME🙃)

I was about to blog, and I may still, but my mind wandered (yeah, what’s new?) The blog was to be about music, but then I went back and read an earlier blog. 

As a Writer, we often export ideas, but never revisit. Here’s what I wrote,  recently:

  Cryss-ism

“Dreams are God’s vision for our life’s purpose, embedded in our Spirits. It’s why they speak to you, even if you run from them, hide from them, fear them. You needn’t chase them, any more than you would your own DNA- they are God-ordained, just for you! Go. LIVE in your dreams (yes, plural), and walk in your destiny. ”
I assure you this is not an ego-moment; quite the opposite. I have the ability to observe my own situation, circumstances, life, from an objective perspective. I literally read the “Cryss-ism” as if someone else wrote it. OK,  it was one of my other personalities  (don’t hate cuz u only got one, or two),  but stay with me.

I count it a blessing to be able to detach and see truth and fact; to ponder, and learn, without the murky waters of personal feelings getting in the way. Having done so has allowed me to freely receive my own message. Wow! THAT’S a mighty big blessing and I’m grateful. I’m grateful for the ability to communicate via the written word. I KNOW I talk A LOT, but I rarely verbally communicate. Just doesn’t come natural. I thank God for the Phoenicians; to all who made the written word possible. 

But why writing vs. speaking? Talking, to me,  is like mixing baby oil and water. They are both liquid,  they can both nourish skin,  and in combination, go it really well. They can even exist in the same space, but they never become one. 

Writing is akin to absorption and communing. Becoming a part of, as opposed to being on something.  Does that make sense? Like music. It’s essence is internal,  though it’s vehicle is often external.

Maybe this is the blog. Hmmmm…..we’ll see. 

Reality Petrified

​Random Musings: ***Language Warning***

Interesting thing, reality. It’s fluid (but not wet), and can be compartmentalized; in constant flux (Heraclitus), from box to box. Visit, as you like, or need. 

Occasionally, in the midst of travel between realities, there’s the crash; fluid turns to concrete. 180 m.p.h., and your outer box folds like an accordion -inner self rapidly disintegrates. The shelves come barreling down. Other boxes come crashing to the relative surface. Non-wet reactions, like children jumping in puddles-splash! Life debris everywhere. Now what? The manufacturer of your boxes has gone out of business. You’re out of duct tape. Who’s gonna put this stuff back? Wait, what box were u in? Will it fit, with it being fluid, and all; morphing, shifting, intermingling, creating new entities? New reality. FUCK!
#SendDuctTape #CreateNewReality

#UsePlasticBins #ConcreteHeadaches

#DriveSlower?