Today

​It was at this hour, on this day, three years ago, that I made my way to Gilchrist Hospice. It was cold out. I was numb-for other reasons. I drove a slow, and steadied pace, my mind literally devoid of thought. Traffic lights,  street lamps, other cars, pedestrians… I saw nothing. Truly,  the Holy Spirit drove, as I only remember seeing my Niece in the parking lot, distraught, and saying to her, “Is she gone?”

I walked inside to family, to friends and stood, feeling as if I were made of air; that I would just take flight, at any moment. I hugged, and was hugged in return. Nothing. I lumbered down the hall, body sick, and heavy with the pain and swelling of Fibromyalgia, at its WORST. I wanted to run. I wanted to prove that I was right. She was sleeping. They’d made a mistake. 

I stood outside of the door for what seemed an eternity; waiting, wondering if I could go in, hoping that last hope.

Oh, the things I’ve asked God for in this lifetime. Clothes, houses ,money, better jobs,  a good man, friends, good grades, not to get beat up in elementary school (😀it’s okay to laugh), restoration of health-that my Mother would live forever, because I was simply not strong, or smart enough to be without her. For 45 years, eleven months, 364 days, 23 hours, and 42 minutes, she was MINE. Earthly, beautifully, wonderfully, lovingly MINE!

However,  before the hills in order stood, in the beginning,  before stars were placed in the Sky,  even now, she belonged to God first, and always. And so I went in. 
To say I miss my mother is hollow.  There are no words to describe the cold place in me never to be warm again. The sound of her laughter, and her smile that lit the space around her like a million suns, that look when you knew you were getting ready to get it. The softness of her hands- those hands that held my own, rubbed away my pains, anointed me (crown to sole), whipped my butt, fed me, touched my head to check for fever; hands that were put together in prayer for me. Never again will I touch those hands, I thought. 
God is amazing. You see, all those years, the enemy tried to take my Mother’s life. God Said,  “it’s not yours to take”.  I am eternally grateful. For her LIFE was rife with pain,  illness, troubles. SHE was FULL of the love of God, laughter, wisdom, grace, beauty, unending love for family,  friends,  and all who came into her presence, for whatever time they were there. A minute. A day. A month. Years.  A lifetime. It didn’t matter. She loved you. 

My heart is heavy, as I think of how God physically joined us on 10/29, and He physically separated us on 10/27. Might sound weird,  but to this day,  I wish he had taken her on 10/29, at 7:02 am. I was born at 7:01 am, and she had NEVER missed a birthday without us speaking at that moment. That’s just me, and my selfishness, not recognizing God’s omniscience. He probably knew I’d never, ever get over that. He knew when to bring her home. 

So, here I am, Prettyface-Mommiekins, reading the Word, asking God to show me, and of course, He did. Gave me a song, too. The Word is Ecclesiastes 3:
It was at this hour, on this day, three years ago, that I made my way to Gilchrist Hospice. It was cold out. I was numb-for other reasons. I drove a slow, and steadied pace, my mind literally devoid of thought. Traffic lights,  street lamps, other cars, pedestrians… I saw nothing. Truly,  the Holy Spirit drove, as I only remember seeing my Niece in the parking lot, distraught, and saying,  “Is she gone?”

I walked inside to family, to friends and stood, feeling as if I were made of air; that I would just take flight, at any moment. I hugged, and was hugged in return. Nothing. I lumbered down the hall, body sick and heavy  with the pain, and swelling of Fibromyalgia, at its WORST. I wanted to run. I wanted to prove that I was right. She was sleeping. They’d made a mistake. 

I stood outside of the door for what seemed an eternity; waiting, wondering if I could go in, hoping that last hope

Oh,  the things I’ve asked God for in this lifetime. Clothes,  money,  jobs,  friends, good grades, not to get best up in elementary school (😀it’s okay to laugh), restoration of health-that my Mother would live forever, because I was simply not strong, or smart enough to be without her. For 45 years, eleven months, 364 days, 23 hours, and 42 minutes, she was MINE. Earthly, beautifully, wonderfully, lovingly MINE!

Before the hills in order stood, in the beginning,  before stars were placed in the Sky,  even now she belonged to God. And so I went in. 
To say I miss my mother is hollow.  There are no words to describe the cold place in me  never to be warm again. The sound of her laughter, and her smile that lit light a million suns, that look when you knew you were getting ready to get it. The softness of her hands- those hands that held my own, rubbed away my pains, anointed me (crown to sole), whipped my butt, fed me, touched my head to check for fever; hands that were put together in prayer for me. Never again will touch this hands,  I thought. 

God is amazing. You see, all those years, the enemy tried to take my Mother’s life. God Said,  “it’s not yours to take”.  I am eternally grateful. For her LIFE was rife with pain,  illness, troubles. SHE was FULL of the love of God, laughter, wisdom, grace, beauty, unending love for family,  friends,  and all who came into her presence, for whatever time they were there. A minute. A day.  A month. Years.  A lifetime. It didn’t matter. She loved you. 

My heart is heavy, as I think of how God physically joined us on 10/29, and He physically separated us on 10/27. Might sound weird,  but to this day,  I wish he had taken her on 10/29, at 7:02 am. I was born at 7:01 am, and she had NEVER missed a birthday workout is speaking at that moment. That’s just me, and my selfishness, not recognizing God’s omniscience. He probably knew I’d never, ever get over that. 

So, here I am, Prettyface-Mommiekins, reading the Word, asking God to show me, and of course, He did. Gave me a song, too. The Word is from Ecclesiastes 3:
To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:  A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;  A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;  A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;  A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;  He hath made every thing beautiful in his time: also he hath set the world in their heart, so that no man can find out the work that God maketh from the beginning to the end.  I know that there is no good in them, but for a man to rejoice, and to do good in his life.  I know that, whatsoever God doeth, it shall be for ever: nothing can be put to it, nor any thing taken from it: and God doeth it, that men should fear before him.  I said in mine heart, God shall judge the righteous and the wicked: for there is a time there for every purpose and for every work.  I said in mine heart concerning the estate of the sons of men, that God might manifest them, and that they might see that they themselves are beasts.  For that which befalleth the sons of men befalleth beasts; even one thing befalleth them: as the one dieth, so dieth the other; yea, they have all one breath; so that a man hath no preeminence above a beast: for all is vanity.  All go unto one place; all are of the dust, and all turn to dust again.  Who knoweth the spirit of man that goeth upward, and the spirit of the beast that goeth downward to the earth?  Wherefore I perceive that there is nothing better, than that a man should rejoice in his own works; for that is his portion: for who shall bring him to see what shall be after him?

Ecclesiastes 3:1‭-‬2‭, ‬4‭-‬5‭, ‬7‭, ‬11‭-‬12‭, ‬14‭, ‬17‭-‬22 KJV

I thought the song was “Turn, Turn, Turn”, by The Byrds. Then I remembered your favorite song you talked about all our lives. I remember late one night, 2012, going on YouTube just to see, and I found it. I called and you were sorta sleep, but as usual got right up.  I said nothing,  just started playing the song on speaker. The gasp,  the shriek, the joy, your tears. Worth more to me than platinum. We’re such kindred spirits🎶

So, today, I honor your memory with Roy Hamilton’s “You’ll Never Walk Alone”. I know I never will. I love you to infinity. See you in my dreams, Prettyface-Mommiekins😢.

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