It’s Not Always About Us: Transparency and Obedience To God 4/15/2020

Good morning, fam.  Praying each of you have an amazing day, today.  The following post is not something you would usually see from me, it may be long, and for the record, the HUMAN me DOES NOT WANT TO DO THIS, as it is VERY personal, and I am ULTRA private.  However, as I was standing at my sink 30 minutes ago, GOD spoke (yes, I LITERALLY heard Him out loud-1st time) and said to post, ON FB, because someone’s life may depend on it.  I MUST BE OBEDIENT.  So I ask that you pray with, and for me. PLEASE take the time to read it, even if you have to get back to it later, all the way to the end, as I have NO IDEA who needs or this post.  Whew!  

I was standing at my kitchen sink this morning, looking for my peanut butter to make a sandwich and realized I had no bread.  No big deal right.  Here’s the thing…..I then looked into the refrigerator, and the cupboard, and something was off.  I then, in shock realized I haven’t grocery shopped in OVER A MONTH, AND I DIDN’T EVEN NOTICE.  How does that happen?  Now, I know I don’t cook, but I am religious about shopping monthly.  It hit me like a ton of bricks that I have been in the house since 11/22/2014.  CLINICAL DEPRESSION!!!!!!!!!!!!  Yes, I am saying it.  Now, I pride myself on being very titanium-like strong.  Shucks, I am a child of the MOST HIGH GOD AND the daughter Rosemary and Christopher.  You might shake me, but ‘cha can’t break me, right?  WRONG!  

When my Fred left here suddenly on 11/22/2014, on the heels of my Mommiekins going home 10/27/2013, KABOOM 💣🤯   I    SHUT   DOWN  AND WENT TO BED! 

Me! “Supergirl, no sleep, call me-I got you, Crystal”,  SHUT DOWN. 
Here’s how I did it, and no one was the wiser.  As long as I stayed in the bed, I was good.  I continued to take care of all of my business, run my companies, service my clients. and I talked to friends and family, I even stayed in Intercessory Prayer with folks, as usual (BTW, I think that’s one of the greatest things to do, pray for others), so by all accounts, all was well.  I continued to go to family functions, shop, doc appts. etc. , but each time I stepped off the bed, onto the floor, I became immediately unstable, unsure, physically sick, and dizzy. In other words NON-REALITY -BASED living, at it’s best.  Everything outside of that bed was DEATH, PAIN, ANGER, OUTRAGE, FEAR, CONFUSION, ILLNESS, FAILURE…. I thought to myself, “IT’S NOT REAL. Nothing happened”. I’ll just stay in bed, because this is all a dream. Whenever I got up, it got real.  So I did go out, and looked good too….lol……but inside, I was SCREAMING, RUSHING, RUNNING to get back to “safety” – TO THE BED.
Now, I got within two classes shy of a M.S. degree in Human Service Administration/Clinical Psychology, before I became too ill to finish.  I knew what I was looking at.  I was very good at my job and still am (praise be 2 God), and have been a Life Coach for several years.  I KNEW I WAS IN REAL TROUBLE and not only could I not fix it, I didn’t want to. And my apartment? Whew!  I CRAVE organization. I need clean, fresh spaces in which to create, to work. Every space around me looks like a robbery occurred. CLUTTER on top of CLUTTER. 
Enter, my friend. I was returning home from a doctors’ appt and she called and said she was around the corner and wanted to drop in.  I wanted to get to the bed, but for some reason, I said “SURE” and she came.  We sat and chatted for a while and my living room is quite out of order for me, but not ridiculous, no garbage on the floor, etc., but for me, too much clutter.  For some reason, I got up, and I said to her, I want to show you something.  I walked her back to my bedroom and she stopped DEAD IN HER TRACKS.  I said, “welcome to Clinical Depression, my name is Crystal, and I’ll be your host for this evening”.  I saw the tears well up in her eyes and she said “OH, MY GOD!!!!!!!!!”  There was barely anywhere to walk (help me, Jesus!).  Me!  Ms. “It’s so organized, I can find it in the dark”.  My bed was a mass of bed covers and clothes, my computers and my phone, my note pads and pens………
She became what I thought was angry, but later realized was fear for my well-being. She said “NO! THIS STOPS NOW! Crystal, on 11/22/2014, Fred died, you didn’t, and I’m not going to watch you commit slow suicide. Now, where do we begin?” 
She walked toward my bed and said let’s change the linen, and for a split second, I got nervous, because she was touching my safe place.  I walked over to the closet, dug out a bin of the last of Fred’s laundry, took out his shirt, and buried my face in it, and took a deep breath. 
She said, “No, we’re not doing that.  You can mourn him, love him, and miss him, but you can’t die with him.”  

Because she chose to be obedient, God used her to save my life.  There’s a lesson about walking in HIS will and being obedient, even when you may not want to….you know, like this very personal post I’m doing.  Thank GOD, because I ACTUALLY heard her and I knew she was right.  I was taking the passive way out of this life.
Fast forward to three weeks ago.  I am doing better, feeling amazing, but I got sick with Bronchitis and went into the hospital for a few days and I’m still battling it, but now, I get up out of the bed willingly, freely, etc.  My aprtment looks better but not great (it’s a Fibromyalgia process). When I came out of the hospital, different people, ones who were not connected in any way, all began to tell me the very same thing about myself……eerie. 
All of a sudden, everything I have busted my hump for, over the last 15 years, prayed, cried, begged, studied, sacrificed, stood alone, been called a dreamer, disregarded, devalued for, ….. ALL STARTED TO POUR FORTH, and it hasn’t stopped since.  I am in my purpose, I have no more questions or doubts, I am completely empty so God can totally use me to bless others, who want to bless others, and I FEEL AMAZING!  Bronchitis and all.
Wrap up:  I have amazing friends and everyone is NOT invited to that club, said this Scorpio woman. THEY are my extra layers of skin, going way back. Lots of great and awesome acquaintances and colleagues and strong connections, no doubt, but FRIENDS, the list is small  Cherish your relationships, they can save you.  When God tells you to do something, it ain’t always about you, just do it.  Mommiekins, Fred, I miss you, and ache dearly, but I’m finally understanding my purpose, and I KNOW you’ll be proud of me.  Thanks be to God for the time I had with you, what I learned, and I’ll see you when I have completed my work down here.  Save me a seat in Glory. I’ll join you, many happy, fulfilled, and healthy years from now, I pray LOL.
I’m spent.  I pray that His will be done with this post.  You will probably NEVER get this close to my vest again (nothing personal) but if ANYONE is blessed or saved, I’m good. 

I feel INCREDIBLY exposed, but I’m getting out of the bed, and heading out, because the water’s just fine.  In fact, it’s clearer and better than ever.    Hmmmmm….. this may become a short-story ( I can’t turn it off, can I?  LMBO)  Love you all, no strings attached.

UPDATE 4/2/2020

I am currently in the best place, Spiritually, RIGHT NOW, TODAY, than I have ever been in my entire life.  My journey with God has gone from my head (knowing Him intellectually), to my heart (feeling Him), and NOW, FINALLY, it’s in my SPIRIT and I am COMPLETELY SOLD OUT! 

#StayEncouraged
#NeverLoseHope
#Obedience2God
#TransparencyCanSaveLives
#NotAlwaysAboutJustUs

Fibro Funnies: Episode 1

Good evening, sports fans, and welcome to the Tuesday Night Body Competition. I’m your Host, Cryss. Joining me is my every faithful personality, fifteen year veteran, and Fibromyalgia expert, Chrissie.

Cryss: Good evening, Chrissie. What an exciting evening.

Cryss: Chrissie, you said a Dionne Warwick set of teeth mouthful ( what?). Just about everyone who’s ANYONE is here and they’ve come to play.

Chrissie: Oh, yeah. This has been brewing since Crystal made an unscheduled grocery store run, and didn’t use a scooter (Gasp!).

Cryss: Ruh-roh. In a post grocery interview, I asked if it was a wise decision. Crystal said, emphatically, that she WOULD NOT cower to Fibromyalgia.

Chrissie: Gutsy move, but let’s get to the action.

Tonite, The C.J. Body Parts are taking on the Aspercreme Heating Pads, to see who can hurt, swell, or become detached from its usual place, with the most ferocity vs. I can take it, I’m God’s child, with a prescription.

Cryss: Do you think the backup meds will be a factor, tonite? They’ve been successful before, but have been riding the bench, intermittently, due to non compliance issues. Remains to be seen.

Chrissie: I know the hip is gonna go hard, but the ribs are the wild card, so don’t count them out.

Cryss: Those knees? Now, they’re veterans; they can stay in the patella pocket and cause swelling, or run and slide.
Gotta have double coverage (heat and ice) on the neck, clavicle, and shoulder. They are very talented. The neck can get off the edge, to the shoulder, with quickness like I’ve never seen. Clavicle is just soft. You look at him and he swells AND turns red. He doesn’t play the position with verve.

Chrissie: Indeed, but, the Kankles are pretty reliable. They definitely give different looks: bilateral pitted edema, golf ball look on the side, which really wreaks havoc on the interior cute shoe, and, of course, they shrink, when going to the doctor.

Cryss: We MUST factor in the king-sized heating pad, and the Aspercreme. They’ve added lidocaine to their defense, a veteran loner, out of WALMART State Pharmacy aisle.

Chrissie: The back up, Ultram (Tramadol) has been successful at getting to the nerves, and sacking them. But there’s still the issue of sleep.

This is going to be one heck of a nite! No commercials. Good luck and stay tuned.

Now, the national anthem:

Oh, dang, did you see
How my left knee collapsed,
And I fell to the ground,
Grabbing any thing in sight.

Saw some folks standing there.
They were laughing at me.
Not a one offered help!
Lucky I can’t reach that weave.

And they let me let lay there
With my hands in the air
Which proves I was right
That you folks ain’t worth…

I guess I’d better get up
Be-fo-ore I.I ge-et ro-obbed (high note-hold, do runs)
For li- it-tle I’ve GOT (really high note, then breath)
And I split someone’s
(dramatic pause)
WIGGGGGGGG!🎤🎼🎶

P.S. Can’t take a knee, as I have no meniscus, but love u Kaep.

Fibro Funnies ©2018

Why I Want to Meet Dave Chappelle

Why I want one hour with Dave Chappelle.
I often quote my second fave Philosopher, Heraclitus (Immanuel Kant #1), as having said, “All is flux. You cannot step into the same river twice.”
Turns out, not only I, but Plato misquoted this pre-Socratic Ephesian. His actual quote?
“In the same river we both step and do not step, we are and are not”.
Interpretation:
“…the world is in a constant state of change and, while one may step from the banks into the body of a river one has always known, the waters flowing over one’s feet will never be the same waters that flowed even a moment before.”

I am, indeed, evolving.

What does that have to do with Dave Chappelle? He’s become my favorite contemporary Philosopher, disguised as a Comedian. Many are; but Dave, his mask IS his masterpiece, because there’s really NO MASK (Cryss-ism). Geez I’m lucid this time of night😲. Anyhoo,

See his Netflix special
“Equanimity”
Not to be confused with the two released late last year. You’ll see what I mean, especially in the end.

#OneHourMrChappelle

Humanity Lost?

I am, and have always, had a humanistic view of the world. All humans are basically good. Circumstances, environments, learned abhorrent behaviors, cause us to shift away from our innate goodness. Fixable.

Over the last ten years, my rose-colored glasses have been stepped upon, but they’ve never been destroyed. I repair them. I keep looking for the good, even when I notice the horror.

Over the last five years, I’ve found my glasses have escaped my awareness, at times. I find them, dust them, put them on. I purposely seek the good.
Over the last three years, I’ve had to use duct tape on my rose-colored, war-weary glasses. I put them on and pray to find a snippet of goodness.

Sidebar: I began to wonder where social media, and the inundation of information factored into this negativity. Were we always this EVIL, DECEITFUL, DUPLICITOUS, FOUL, DISMISSIVE, DIVISIVE, DISHONORABLE, HORRIBLE, EVIL, HEINOUS, UNCARING, ARROGANT, BOASTFUL, EVIL, UNGODLY, WARMONGER-ISH (Yes, I made up a word. If Betsy DeVoss is education secretary, I can create words), DISENFRANCHISED, FAKE, PHONY, ANGRY?

Over the last year, I’ve found that my patience became shorter, my mood more foul than pleasant, and I kept repeating the phrase, ” Awww, come ON!” My rose-colored glasses, removed from the case where they were kept, sat gingerly atop my nose, red from crying, as my search for goodness elicits more sad tears, than happy results.

Over the last few months, I’ve lost more and more faith in the human race. Not by the day, but by the minute. Not just on a macro level, but micro, too. Shock and anger have been replaced with heavy sighs. Numbness has set in. The absolute worst is the expectation of the day.

Hey! Where the heck did these glasses come from? Huh. Must have worn them once. Back in the junk drawer with ya.

HAPPY NEW YEAR

What are your goals for the new year? Have you started your vision board?

What are the things most important to you? Family, Faith, Politics, Career, Love, Financial Stability?

Drop a note. Let me know what you’re doing, and what changes you’d like to see (personal, professional, political, policy, etc.) in 2018!

One of my goals is to unleash my creativity. No more stifling my imagination. Stay-tuned.

“Letters To My Father”

Well, I’m officially a published Author! I wrote a chapter in an anthology called, “Letters To My Father “.

Cathartic. Necessary. Exciting!!

It’s a wonderful start to my career as a published Author.

I’ll still publish the works of others, through Collective Press, but I’ve stepped into Authorship, and the water’s just fine.

The anthology is on Amazon, but I hope you’ll order direct from me, so I can your personally autograph your copy (just $20.)

http://www.paypal.me/CMGMT

It’s also formatted for Amazon Kindle.

I would appreciate reviews. Post them here.

Next up, “The Unlikely CEO “. Stay-tuned for the promo video.

Thank you for your support along this new leg of my journey.

Parallels

I’ve had a three parallel day. I’ve been blessed, all day, beginning with life, health, family, friends.

Parallel 1.

I’ve felt quite human, as I had to see a Doctor, who told me the “cure ” for Fibromyalgia is not medication, but sleep and exercise 🤬 (almost, but I wasn’t sure anyone would pay my bail). Oh, yeah. Went to the DMV, stood in line, only to be told they need proof of a ticket I paid (had a receipt)… nevermind….

Parallel 2.

I was reminded of my soul, as I left the DMV and saw a place called “All About Music” (Joppa Rd., near the Kmart and DMV). I actually went in to look at sheet music, and stepped into an impromptu guitar performance. I was inquiring about having the fret board of my guitar fixed. Another customer was picking up his three guitars, and hit a chord that, in turn, hit my ear in its sweet spot. I asked questions, he responded. I told him I was trying to learn ELP’s “Still, You Turn Me On”. He looked into my eyes, and said, “talk to Charlie”. We talked another couple of minutes. Just then, a man who looked as if he were an aged 1970’s surfer dude, with skin that had been tanned almost to leather and hair bleached by the sun, came into the midst. The customer said, “Charlie, this nice lady is looking to learn ELP.” I told him I was a neophyte, at best, but my Yamaha workstation could not reproduce the acoustic sound my ear craved. He shook my hand and said, ” NEVER say Yamaha to me” (PTSD moment? )! As I crept for the door, “Charlie” picked up a random acoustic guitar, played, and sang, “From The Beginning”, ELP. I turned slowly, and was frozen in stunned ecstasy. As quickly as he’d appeared, he was gone. The customer said, “wow, you have a great voice”. I didn’t realize I was singing.🫢😯❣️

Parallel 3 (best for last) MY SPIRIT:
I am feeling a bit overwhelmed, of late; closing old books, writing new chapters – forgetting to be present. A very wise friend told me I needed to vacuum away the debris in my head, and to remember that time is relative. So, I went to The WORD. God met me there, reminded me that I’d given all over to Him, and things were going better than expected, to eat something, and that it would be okay if I did nothing, tonite. I watched the last two episodes of “So, You Think You Can Dance”. It was ethereal. It was the manifestation of what I was reading. 1Chronicles 25, about the importance of music and dance, in praise and worship. By the time I was done, God had given me the FOURTH song for my Album. Fantastic end to the day. GOD DOES NOT DO RANDOM!

The Dance and the Music

Most who know me well are aware of my love affair with music. It’s always evolving, ever enchanting, and a great equalizer amongst humans.

You grow, you live, you love, you lose, you grieve, you learn. As I’ve evolved, I’ve discovered a great shift in my top three priorities. A Paradigm shift, if you will. Abraham Maslow’s “Hierarchy of Needs” has become more than a conceptual paperweight on the desk of my psyche.

God, my KING, is my NUMBER ONE priority, now, and forever.

I won’t lie to you, and say it was easy, because it wasn’t. Music has ALWAYS come to my rescue. When I’m sad, I can wallow in blues, or certain jazz numbers; Robert Johnson, The Allman Brothers, Buddy Guy, B.B. King, Miles Davis, Joe Sample. When I’ve had enough of my own whining, I go to Gospel, R&B, Rock, and even a bit of Heavy Metal; Richard Smallwood, Doug Miller, James Cleveland; Anita Baker, Jill Scott, India Arie, Roberta Flack, Barry White (yessss), Winger, Dio, Motley Crue, Journey, Foreigner, Heart. Feeling creative, a bit of Alternative Rock; Pearl Jam, Alice in Chains, Train, Creed. When I’m feeling like a hyperactive Jack Russell Terrier, I go to the “light and easy favorites, of yesterday and today”. CSN&Y, England Dan and John Ford Coley, James Taylor; Carole King; Fleetwood Mac. Ah, when I’m in my version of love, The Spinners, The SalSoul Generation, Dan Fogelberg, Sade, Adele, Staind, Phoebe Snow….ad infinitum.

Tonight, I was talking to God, whom I call “The Great Orchestrator”, about a few things. I believe He gave each of us an instrument, unlike any other (our gifts), and the perfect sheet music -THE WORD! When we are in sync with God, obedient, and have pure love for God AND one another, it’s the perfect “song”. Of course, we have written our OWN metaphorical music, over time, and can’t figure out why everything is in disharmony, but that’s another blog.

Anyway, I was telling God how incredibly complicated things have become for me, of late, and that I know it’s because I keep getting in His way, when He tries to lead and guide me. No, it’s not that I can do better, it’s plain ole fear. Fear, for me, leads to self -sabotage ( yeah, only me, right? ).

I have another love. It’s DANCE! I was a dancer and figure skater, up until my 20’s. I still secretly choreograph in my head, when I see certain movement, or colors, or witness leaves blowing in the breeze, or hear a particular song. Dance is the physical manifestation of music, for me.

So, I’m sitting here talking to God about how I’m wrecking His perfect plan for me, and watching the Iran Contra Hearings on YouTube. (What?) Suddenly, another video appears, and it’s David Letterman and Oprah. I have ADHD, so you know I watched. Paul Schaefer and the Orchestra begin to play, “Dance With Me”, by Orleans. “Wow! I haven’t heard that song in a while. Love the harmonies”, Crystal says to Cryss. So, I/ she looked it up, and began to sing along.

“Dance with me. I want to be your partner, can’t you see? The music is just starting. Night is calling, and I am falling. Dance with me.”

How sweet. How simplistic and sweet.

“Let it lift you off the ground. Starry-eyed, and love is ALL around us. I can take you where you want to go…”

Then, it happened. The epiphany. GOD, you’ve done it AGAIN!

You said my daughter is in a “place”, and I need her free, so I can not only use her, but bless her. So, as He’s done many times before, He spoke to me through the MUSIC. He simplified the sheet music, so I could read, and play my instrument.

“Dance with me, my child. I want to commune with you, can’t you see? Your real mission is just starting. Night is falling, when you usually pray, and I AM here, calling. Dance with me.

Let ME lift you off the ground, my daughter. You won’t sabotage these blessings, for they are for YOU, ONLY. Stick with me, no matter. I can take you where you want to go, moreover, where you should be.

He does. He did. He can. He will. That’s tonite’s dance, to the Music of The Great Orchestrator, and the reason for the change in hierarchy.

Vizionairee- 2017

Fall and Me

9/20/2015

This started off as just a post and is now an excerpt from a new poem (found in FB feed):

Of all of the seasons, Fall is my favorite.
It awakens in me a renewed spirit;
reminds me to dream and grow;
to cherish that which God has so graciously gifted me.

As the leaves change colors,
they mirror the kaleidoscope in my spirit-
changing shapes and sizes,
toying with me,
challenging me to go further than ever before,
speaking to me,
leaving me beautifully breathless.

Vizionairee

Musical Musings 5/20/2016

Evening Musings:

I’ve been staring out the window at night a lot, of late. The sky replete with her wondrous and vivid mysteries. Our clandestine meetings…. Playing coy with her shades, her colors, muted, but breathtaking. Teasing. Beckoning. Speaking. What will she tell me, tonight?

The moon shouted my name across a cloud, reaching me as a whisper, saying things; haunting things; beautiful things. “What is music? “, I dared ask. It was the question on my mind. A star twinkled and made a discernible sound- the voice of a small child’s glorious giggle, peeking around the seemingly vanished embers of the sun.

“You tell me?” The voice searing lightly across constellations had countered. I searched my cerebral Thesaurus. I needed intelligent, mystical verbiage for this conversation, but nothing. “Come on! You’re smarter than this”, Crystal said to Cryss. I acquiesced, thinking, “maybe not”. The thing I love, the thing I crave, the thing that is…. I can’t find the words. The lexicon I loved had failed me.

A silent and melodic breeze played my vertical blinds like Brahms’ Lullaby. Lillith perched angrily by; a silenced Banshee, still stewing over the one she couldn’t get. The one covered in the Blood.

It started in my chest. A tickling, as buzzing sensation. Working its way through every nerve, every pore, every fiber; bone, cartilage, sinew- flowing like liquid joy.

You see, I was singing all along. We were singing a harmonious duet. Ah, sky, there’s your answer. See you tomorrow night.

Vizionairee Jones-2016