Good morning, fam. Praying each of you have an amazing day, today. The following post is not something you would usually see from me, it may be long, and for the record, the HUMAN me DOES NOT WANT TO DO THIS, as it is VERY personal, and I am ULTRA private. However, as I was standing at my sink 30 minutes ago, GOD spoke (yes, I LITERALLY heard Him out loud-1st time) and said to post, ON FB, because someone’s life may depend on it. I MUST BE OBEDIENT. So I ask that you pray with, and for me. PLEASE take the time to read it, even if you have to get back to it later, all the way to the end, as I have NO IDEA who needs or this post. Whew!
I was standing at my kitchen sink this morning, looking for my peanut butter to make a sandwich and realized I had no bread. No big deal right. Here’s the thing…..I then looked into the refrigerator, and the cupboard, and something was off. I then, in shock realized I haven’t grocery shopped in OVER A MONTH, AND I DIDN’T EVEN NOTICE. How does that happen? Now, I know I don’t cook, but I am religious about shopping monthly. It hit me like a ton of bricks that I have been in the house since 11/22/2014. CLINICAL DEPRESSION!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes, I am saying it. Now, I pride myself on being very titanium-like strong. Shucks, I am a child of the MOST HIGH GOD AND the daughter Rosemary and Christopher. You might shake me, but ‘cha can’t break me, right? WRONG!
When my Fred left here suddenly on 11/22/2014, on the heels of my Mommiekins going home 10/27/2013, KABOOM 💣🤯 I SHUT DOWN AND WENT TO BED!
Me! “Supergirl, no sleep, call me-I got you, Crystal”, SHUT DOWN.
Here’s how I did it, and no one was the wiser. As long as I stayed in the bed, I was good. I continued to take care of all of my business, run my companies, service my clients. and I talked to friends and family, I even stayed in Intercessory Prayer with folks, as usual (BTW, I think that’s one of the greatest things to do, pray for others), so by all accounts, all was well. I continued to go to family functions, shop, doc appts. etc. , but each time I stepped off the bed, onto the floor, I became immediately unstable, unsure, physically sick, and dizzy. In other words NON-REALITY -BASED living, at it’s best. Everything outside of that bed was DEATH, PAIN, ANGER, OUTRAGE, FEAR, CONFUSION, ILLNESS, FAILURE…. I thought to myself, “IT’S NOT REAL. Nothing happened”. I’ll just stay in bed, because this is all a dream. Whenever I got up, it got real. So I did go out, and looked good too….lol……but inside, I was SCREAMING, RUSHING, RUNNING to get back to “safety” – TO THE BED.
Now, I got within two classes shy of a M.S. degree in Human Service Administration/Clinical Psychology, before I became too ill to finish. I knew what I was looking at. I was very good at my job and still am (praise be 2 God), and have been a Life Coach for several years. I KNEW I WAS IN REAL TROUBLE and not only could I not fix it, I didn’t want to. And my apartment? Whew! I CRAVE organization. I need clean, fresh spaces in which to create, to work. Every space around me looks like a robbery occurred. CLUTTER on top of CLUTTER.
Enter, my friend. I was returning home from a doctors’ appt and she called and said she was around the corner and wanted to drop in. I wanted to get to the bed, but for some reason, I said “SURE” and she came. We sat and chatted for a while and my living room is quite out of order for me, but not ridiculous, no garbage on the floor, etc., but for me, too much clutter. For some reason, I got up, and I said to her, I want to show you something. I walked her back to my bedroom and she stopped DEAD IN HER TRACKS. I said, “welcome to Clinical Depression, my name is Crystal, and I’ll be your host for this evening”. I saw the tears well up in her eyes and she said “OH, MY GOD!!!!!!!!!” There was barely anywhere to walk (help me, Jesus!). Me! Ms. “It’s so organized, I can find it in the dark”. My bed was a mass of bed covers and clothes, my computers and my phone, my note pads and pens………
She became what I thought was angry, but later realized was fear for my well-being. She said “NO! THIS STOPS NOW! Crystal, on 11/22/2014, Fred died, you didn’t, and I’m not going to watch you commit slow suicide. Now, where do we begin?”
She walked toward my bed and said let’s change the linen, and for a split second, I got nervous, because she was touching my safe place. I walked over to the closet, dug out a bin of the last of Fred’s laundry, took out his shirt, and buried my face in it, and took a deep breath.
She said, “No, we’re not doing that. You can mourn him, love him, and miss him, but you can’t die with him.”
Because she chose to be obedient, God used her to save my life. There’s a lesson about walking in HIS will and being obedient, even when you may not want to….you know, like this very personal post I’m doing. Thank GOD, because I ACTUALLY heard her and I knew she was right. I was taking the passive way out of this life.
Fast forward to three weeks ago. I am doing better, feeling amazing, but I got sick with Bronchitis and went into the hospital for a few days and I’m still battling it, but now, I get up out of the bed willingly, freely, etc. My aprtment looks better but not great (it’s a Fibromyalgia process). When I came out of the hospital, different people, ones who were not connected in any way, all began to tell me the very same thing about myself……eerie.
All of a sudden, everything I have busted my hump for, over the last 15 years, prayed, cried, begged, studied, sacrificed, stood alone, been called a dreamer, disregarded, devalued for, ….. ALL STARTED TO POUR FORTH, and it hasn’t stopped since. I am in my purpose, I have no more questions or doubts, I am completely empty so God can totally use me to bless others, who want to bless others, and I FEEL AMAZING! Bronchitis and all.
Wrap up: I have amazing friends and everyone is NOT invited to that club, said this Scorpio woman. THEY are my extra layers of skin, going way back. Lots of great and awesome acquaintances and colleagues and strong connections, no doubt, but FRIENDS, the list is small Cherish your relationships, they can save you. When God tells you to do something, it ain’t always about you, just do it. Mommiekins, Fred, I miss you, and ache dearly, but I’m finally understanding my purpose, and I KNOW you’ll be proud of me. Thanks be to God for the time I had with you, what I learned, and I’ll see you when I have completed my work down here. Save me a seat in Glory. I’ll join you, many happy, fulfilled, and healthy years from now, I pray LOL.
I’m spent. I pray that His will be done with this post. You will probably NEVER get this close to my vest again (nothing personal) but if ANYONE is blessed or saved, I’m good.
I feel INCREDIBLY exposed, but I’m getting out of the bed, and heading out, because the water’s just fine. In fact, it’s clearer and better than ever. Hmmmmm….. this may become a short-story ( I can’t turn it off, can I? LMBO) Love you all, no strings attached.
UPDATE 4/2/2020
I am currently in the best place, Spiritually, RIGHT NOW, TODAY, than I have ever been in my entire life. My journey with God has gone from my head (knowing Him intellectually), to my heart (feeling Him), and NOW, FINALLY, it’s in my SPIRIT and I am COMPLETELY SOLD OUT!
#StayEncouraged
#NeverLoseHope
#Obedience2God
#TransparencyCanSaveLives
#NotAlwaysAboutJustUs
CollectiveMindz 